14 February 2010
In Japan, girls give guys chocolates
Posted by Roland under: Personal .
And so here we are again. Another Valentine’s Day whereupon I fall into the “singles” category. Maybe the best summary of how I feel is from what Seth Meyers said on SNL during last year Valentine’s Day.
“Today is Valentine’s Day, so we just want to say to everyone watching at home: Better luck next year!”
As much as I’d like to try to block out Valentine’s from my scope of awareness each year, it is pretty damn difficult to avoid. Stores with Valentine’s displays, TV shows running Valentine’s themed episodes (the worst being The Price is Right having a couples version of the show) and of course, the aptly named “Valentine’s Day” out for cinematic release this year.
Not that I have anything against couples. Of course I’ll indulge in the couples envy every single person has every now and then, but why should my bachelorhood ruin their day to celebrate? Although really, the best couples don’t need a special day to celebrate their love. That’s why I think the best couples I know aren’t really doing anything super special for Valentine’s because they love each other enough that you don’t need just one day to show it.
But unfortunately Valentine’s does reinforce the fact that yes, I am alone currently and that it’s been this way for a good damn while. If anything, it also highlights the failures of the last several years and forces me to reflect upon them.
It would be a hilarious movie to watch if it wasn’t so real:
Faltering out of the start gate is not a good sign. Do your research.
- In my first year, I met a girl and after getting to know her in class and even switching sections to be in her class second semester (to an early morning section, mind you), I would be blindsided with the casual mention of her boyfriend during one lecture session. Facebook would be released to Berkeley two months later. You don’t know how good it now to figure out that girls have boyfriends from relationship status/photos without having to learn the way I did.
Flowers don’t always equal success.
- After I had asked one girl what her favorite flowers were months in advance of ever planning to buy them for her, my attempt to leave them secretly would be derailed by the fact I was caught by someone as I escaped the scene of the crime.
Never trust other guys.
- During a pretty heated competition with another guy for a girl’s interest, I unexpectedly found myself with the upper hand. After talking with the other guy who said he wasn’t interested anymore, I would later find out that he would make another big move for her affection on a separate trip (where I could not react directly) and he had won her heart. I quickly learned his word was worthless and confirmed the meaning that all is fair in love and war. As far as I know they’re still together, although I usually care not to know.
Sometimes all you get is one day.
- I had told another girl how I felt and given her some time to think about it. It was a big decision after all and I wouldn’t want her to come into something without having thought about it. Then her response came one day. She said yes. Needless to say I was very happy. Success does not come often in the relationship arena for me so I was already now looking to the future with her answer in hand. Walking her home to the apartment for the first time was one of my big life victories. One of the biggest defeats of my life would come soon. Once I got back to my place, I would see an e-mail from her, with an ominous message of “we need to talk.” I would soon learn (within the next day) that she considered her original positive answer too hasty and withdrew her response to change it into a rejection of my confession. Quite possibly one of the quickest relationships on record, I realized I would have rather she said “no” to begin with.
Sometimes there isn’t enough postage to send a love letter.
- I had played a very casual courtship with a girl in my fourth year. While I liked her I never had the courage nor opportunity to tell her how I really felt. We would go on small dates here and there but I would never try and make my feelings obvious. At one point she even said she was not looking for a boyfriend (in a group setting) so I had shut down my feelings at the time. Post graduation I would get the crazy idea to send her flowers on her birthday because really, I had nothing else going on and I’m a very crazy person. She would love the flowers and promise something in return that required I be at home. In my insanity I figured she was coming up to visit me and thank me in person. I prepared a love letter that I would give to her in such a occasion. What I got on the day I had to be at home was a thank you cake. Tasted good, but not quite what I ordered. The love letter remains on my shelf to this day.
Always create a date auction gameplan.
- There was a girl I was interested in and found out she was up for sale at a given group’s date auction. I didn’t know anyone in the group except for her but it didn’t matter, I was going to buy her at the date auction and get her as a date. Bringing my roommate to help back me up (I don’t know how you back someone up at a date auction) I came into her auction feeling good, as most people to that point were being sold for $30. When she came up, her first bid was in the arena of $25. Not a good sign. I would start bidding for her, to the curiosity of most in the audience. It would come down at one point to me, a two different pairs of guys. Bids escalated quickly…$40, $60, $80. Now we were talking triple digits. The pairs of guys combined into one big group of 4 (they all knew each other) to try and outbid me. I started bidding with money I didn’t have, $125, $150, $175. The hosts of the auction kept egging me on. The 4 guys seemed ready, with their combined funds, to outbid me no matter what and deny me this date.
I would get to the $215 range before I let the group of 4 buy her for $220. Accepting my inevitable defeat and loss of a date, I accepted a consolation hug from her before running out of the auditorium as everyone had seen me bid to ridiculous amounts. I would later learn what happened. The group of guys banded together to try and protect the girl from what they apparently saw as some random stranger bidding on her. Unseen to me, one of the guys had been motioning at the girl with a thumb pointed at me, trying to ask the girl if she knew who I was (and thus I was safe).
However, the girl thought the guy was asking if he should try and raise the bid up. Of course the girl kept shaking her head no, but the guy thought that meant she didn’t know who I was. So the guys would outbid me no matter what I bid although the girl would have been more than willing to go on the date with me.
I would accept a consolation lunch from her later (which if you think about it was great, I got the benefits of bidding lots of money on her without having to pay it). I would also learn she had a boyfriend.
Timing is everything.
- Sometimes you just can’t take your damn sweet time. By the time I finally gathered up the courage to tell someone I liked them, I would be treated to a story of them having found someone during the long courtship period I actively chose.
But then again, maybe life is just making an active effort to laugh at me. Even better is the story of the time I found a girl who self described herself as “always in a relationship”. I told her I liked her and I would find out she was at the point in her life when she now decided she didn’t want to be in a relationship. I couldn’t help but groan at how much the fates were playing with me.
So here we are now. Several hilarious miscues later, I get a lot of pity, but not a lot of action. Admittedly, my lack of success does get to me every now and then. Possibly the one successful relationship I was in, I self destructed on my own end. I don’t talk to that girl anymore (I’m sure she has some sort of vendetta against me) but I talk to almost all the girls I chased after now (post their rejection). That’s quite hilarious in my mind.
I’ll ask myself then, is there really someone out there for me? A person can only take so many defeats before they start to believe that they always will be defeated. Valentine’s only compounds this problem by stuffing it down your throat that you are single on one of the biggest couples days of year.
But inevitably my optimism will come through. I learned long ago that being depressed about something is not going to change things. It’s about dealing with that depression if you want to get out of it.
I choose to look at Valentine’s not as day for couples, but day for love. Even for those of us who are still searching for that love, it’s a day where we can believe in love and we can try and believe in the fact that someday, somewhere, we will meet the person for us if we haven’t yet already.
On some days, it’s harder to believe this fact. Many people will try to apply facts, logic, or rationality to love. How can we possibly do that to something as complex and emotional as love? As a society we’re still not really sure what love is I think. But I don’t think it should be dissected into bits and pieces. There’s no one answer for everything. All we can do is our best and hope that the other person is receptive and has the same feelings for us.
When it comes to love, don’t think. Feel.
Recently, I’ve pretty much rejected the idea of playing games or using strategy when it comes to getting a girl’s heart. If I have to use the tricks, then maybe the girl is not who I wanted. I want to feel that this girl is for me and I’d like them to feel the same way. Admittedly, my refusal to play the games will lead to a great deal of rejections and lot of time on people’s friend ladders (as opposed to the other ladder). It may extend my loneliness just that much longer, but I think if and when I do find the girl who just accepts me for who I am, then I’ll be happy. She’ll have been worth the wait.
This is why I’m typing this all out on Valentine’s Day. In a day where many singles are expected to feel terrible, I’d like to redefine it and use it to come out as single, but proud and looking forward. I’ll look back at what has happened, but not let it defeat me. I have nothing to hide nor do I want to hide anything. If someone wants to get to know me, they should deserve to learn everything.
A happy Valentine’s Day to you! Just celebrate love, in whatever way you want. Who says you need to be in a couple to do so?
A gift for those who read this far: http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/choo_choo.jpg
